Please find below the new Caption Competition picture.
You might have seen this one before...
As we 'keep it silly' here, you can have as many goes as you like!
There will be two winners this time. Prizes on offer are a mixed bag of valuable tackle and bait goodies from Nutrabaits, Daiwa and Kevin Nash donated by yours truly.
Open to all, including the mods. No scooter jokes, Gareth!
Closing date, Feb 14th, unless I get bored, so I don't forget St Valentines Day!
Obviously, we condemn holding a carp in this way and this should never be practised, full stop. However, we understand this carp was very dead when pictured after being bow-shot, which is something we also condemn.
Off you go....

[This message has been edited by Paul Selman (edited 12-01-2001).]

I grew it in my aquarium honest! lol

Don't mention the war, I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it.

Carp to Man : "Ouch you're hurting my ears"

Man to carp " Don't start on about your ears! You want to try wearing these shorts"

Headline.

Giant Carp attacks passing bather!

Of course it's dead...it's been in my keepnet for four hours.

I'm telling you IT IS REAL honest

"Come here and give me a kiss you sexy beast"

Perhaps it will fit in the freezer if i cut it in half.

Can I just say that I missed the previous thread with the picture on, so I suppose I'll have to think up an alternative to my Faulty Towers attempt !!

Carp : Ooh look, I think it's going to rain...

"I have never been with a French girl before"

Chap : You've only got one photo left! Hang on then, let me get the big one.

PHEW! Have you been eating shellfish boilies.

"I'll take that" ..........said Kevin Clifford as he staggered off with another unknown monster that had turned up at a Hull & District water netting........"I've got just the place for it in my back garden"

Butt Banger

withdrawn post
------------------
Darren Wilson

[This message has been edited by BivvyUp@TCL (edited 25-01-2001).]

carp to man: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me!!"

Dahling,,,,,,,When you said you wanted to take me out to the woods and show me what you have got in your pants this wasnt what I had in mind.

Carp...

Im gonna say just one thing...My tail your balls.

Now hold me properly you arsehole.

See you jimmy......Now stich that you french b@stard.

man 2 carp
im not kissing you your breath smells like the wife

Chap : Right then, lets get the photo off to Angling Times and tell them of our record gudgeon.

How many times have I told you Mr Maddocks that tickling or groping fish is against the rules.

[This message has been edited by CarponlineEditor (edited 10-01-2001).]

'the second restocking of Darenth begins'

Eyebrows were raised when Mark Simmonds revealed just how he spawned his stocks in the early days.

Carp: 'If you don't get your thumb out of my eye I'm gonna smack you in the nuts!'

Cypry just couldn't believe that only two weeks previously the small lump on her gill would manifest itself in such a way.

A recent pairing in BBC2's "Come Dancing" raised a few eyebrows".

i think ill put this one back his still in shorts

Cybil, tell manuel to get the scales.

Stealing a line from axe,,,,,but I couldnt resits....so dont enter it...

Of course its a chub............

And you all thought it was a picture of a man holding up a carp...........

Carp...............I tell you what lads,,,,,,this thing in shorts cant half hold its breath...

Howzat!!!!

------------------
All the Best
Andy

You talking to me!!!

(spoken in an Italian mafioso style)

------------------
All the Best
Andy

carp to man.

What`s up big boy
Never seen a real fish before.

"Way too expensive, those unhooking mat things...."

"Oh Darling, after all these years you've been playing hard to get, we finally meet. ....Marry me !!! "

Chap : 'ere, pass me the funnel and that last bag of Trigga. There's definately enough room for another kilo in here.

bloke: i dont believe this you have half a dozen whiskys then start throwing your weight around thinking you can take on the world, well i'm telling you now pal BACK OFF your way owta your depth!

Pete.

[This message has been edited by pete.g (edited 11-01-2001).]

carp: awww come on sweetie just a little hicky nobody will notice, honest.

bloke: NO GED OFF.

Pete.

carp: kiss me, kiss me like you've never kissed me before.

Pete.

carp: something tells me you've never held a carp before pal. How would you like me to lift you 2ft off the ground by your f*ckin lugs? DICKHEAD.

Pete.

Cyprinus Carpio Coitus Interruptus...............

------------------
Chris Shaw

Kevin Maddocks demonstrating how to stuff a carp, at his latest teach in.

--------------------------

Chris Shaw

[This message has been edited by Chris Shaw (edited 11-01-2001).]

so thats where wanda went after the filming

KM demonstrates his latest organic boilie making machine, all ingrediants in one end, shake well, wait 20 mins, boilies out the other end

------------------
Chris Shaw

CBS NEWS REPORT:

Ladies and gentlemen a newsflash.............

Reports are coming in that this is the first picture of the new president
of America on the Whitehouse lawn, being held upto the camera by an aid.

Hold that, I am getting a message in my ear.

I'll get my coat.

------------------
Chris Shaw

[This message has been edited by Chris Shaw (edited 11-01-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Chris Shaw (edited 11-01-2001).]

Dazzled by the whiteness of his underpants the carp took a wrong turn at the lily pads.

Welcome to WWF Heat.... Today we have the awesome White Pants Wilson 'v' the HempCrapper.

Whispers that Paul was taking his 'love affair' with carp far too seriously were eventually backed up by hard photographic evidence.

RIGHT, go and tell your mate to eat the 20mm yellow pineapple one under the far bush, or I'm gonna turn you all into cheap dog food.

Interviewer:
So tell me, just how long was it in your underpants before you noticed it?

South African Council worker uses pneumatic carp.

Welcome to Aberdeen and the 19th annual carp flinging championships.

This parrot you sold me........

I find this carp weight lifting lark improves my casting distance no end.

His new job testing 'artificial animal shaped v*gina's’ really seemed to be going well.

"Bloody tame these circuit water carp they jump out to greet you now"

RIGHT; YOU SHOULD BE SPAWNING IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

Rex hunt got a bit carried away one day while kissing one of his captures........

------------------
cheers Geez

Tom

Man to carp f course i will respect you in the morning!.

------------------
Quaddie

Carp : The nights are fair drawing in...

"i told you what i'd do if you slagged somebody off on my forum again"

On the banks of Darenth;

Come on its just through the tunnel and you'll be English!

Now where did you say I placed the sperm?

Carp to man :-

"Dad for frigs sake how long do I have to go on wearing this fancy dress outfit."

Tonight you sleep with the fishes

From the "keep it real fish import company"

"This should keep the Bigwood boys happy for a while."

Carp to man

Excuse me, arn`t you Paul Selman?

(fat chance of this one winning eh..lads)

carp to man : this illegal immagran game is a laugh mate , we get more than you for your pension every week , and we havent even spent half our lives biulding the country!!!!!

------------------
cheers Geez

Tom

Basils internet date turned out not as he expected.

How in the hell can you guys be having fun at the expense of the carp, look at how its being held up buy its GILLS! I dont know how you could ever post a pic up like that on a list that CLAIMS to have the best interest of the carp at heart! Bloody Shamefull of you all!! Oat

I think your post is one of the funniest so far, Jack!

Carp : Seeing as I am dead...and was killed by an american...

Paul, if you guys want to glorify a dead carp that has been stuck in the ass with an arrow for fun thats ok with me. Who was that poor chap on here that posted some pics of dead fish that werent even carp just asking what they were and got reamed so bad he never came back? You guys even cry if somebody isnt holding a carp the "British" way and now you are posting a pic of a bow shot carp for fun?? Does hypocrites mean the same thing in the UK as it does here in the States?

Oat

How can you be called Mary?......... You've got a moustache!

Man to Carp:

C'mon... the jokes over now... tell me where you've hidden my clothes you rotten b*****d!

1.Photographer to man: "Hold it up and pretend it's heavy"

2. Carp to man: "I bet your Romanian, in which case i am polluted"

3. Man: " How the hell do i fillet this bastard"
4. Photographer to man: " Perhaps we need a little more air"
5. Carp to man: "Ever heard of nasal hair clippers mate"

------------------

Man:
"Mmmmmm, this new chernobyl syndicate is certainly throwing up some surprises".

Miller.

Oat, you've got us mixed up with the Carperslodge mate, which is where the thread appeared......

Carp :

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say, does that Star-Spangled Banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen thro' the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream;
'Tis the Star-Spangled Banner, O long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wiped out their foul footstep's pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Oh, thus be it ever when free men shall stand
Between their loved homes and the war's desolation!
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto, "In God is our trust"
And the Star-Spangled Banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Whoops, that will upset somebody.

------------------
Chris Shaw

quote:

---

Originally posted by Paul Selman:
Oat, you've got us mixed up with the Carperslodge mate, which is where the thread appeared......

---

Paul, I was referring to the pic of a carp I posted here and the attacks on it for not being held "correctly" and the negative reponses it got from you, and then you post a pic of a dead carp for fun and giggles. Would you post that pic if it was of a dead Britsh fish, if it were Mary or any of the named pet carp you have would it then be funny?

Oat

zzzzzzzzzzz

man to carp; you didnt notice the line did you, i was using a backlead.

Jack, I'm not one of your Potomac River, carp. I ain't taking your bait, and I ask the rest here too, to turn their nose up at it.
I know - as do all the other regulars here - what you are up to, Jack, and no ones interested.
Spend your energy on more productive things please - perhaps working on Carp Net, most of which hasn't been updated for the two years I've visited it.
I am not allowing you to keep going on about this boring issue, buddy.

Carp : Ah one two three four,

God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
God save the Queen!

O lord God arise,
Scatter our enemies,
And make them fall!
Confound their knavish tricks,
Confuse their politics,
On you our hopes we fix,
God save the Queen!

Not in this land alone,
But be God's mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world ov'er

From every latent foe,
From the assasins blow,
God save the Queen!
O'er her thine arm extend,
For Britain's sake defend,
Our mother, prince, and friend,
God save the Queen!

Thy choicest gifts in store,
On her be pleased to pour,
Long may she reign!
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause,
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Queen!

Eeerrrrr, Axe, is this an entry?
You don't the French national anthem or the Internationale do you?

OK Paul, first, I have nothing to do with the carpnet webpage, thats Peters business, not mine or yours. Second, I have never posted that picture of the dead American carp on any page I am associated with as it is a dead carp, a magnificeint carp even if its not exactly 85 pounds, but its dead as a doornail and I wouldnt want to publish such a pic that would encourage others to kill such a huge carp just for a trophy. So you dont want anyone spoiling your funfest over a dead carp, OK, I will stop busting your chops over it, Its a tragic loss to our sport here in the USA loosing such a carp that could have been a contender for the world record, so enjoy our loss with your competition over its death.

My Official contest entry:

Hopsing: I gonna need bigga wok for that bigga carp

Oat

[This message has been edited by Paul Selman (edited 12-01-2001).]

Jack, you've said your piece now leave it please. I've deleted the reference to me which was uncalled for - people here are at complete liberty to express themselves within the rules.

Keep submitting those amusing entries, chaps.

Carp to photographer (Paul) : Did he say cellulite? quick pass me that fin wax!

oh come on Basil, even humans fart.

Carp : J..just..tell the...wife and kids...that I ...l.. love them...

Heavy duty Irony and Pathos.

Honest officer, it looked like a deer from the tree stand!

Please Oat - tell em who did this to me. Make sure he pays!!!

Basil Faulty sets about plans for creating the latest type of hybrid,

"The Governor of Alabama goes fishing."

Carp:

Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivé !
Contre nous de la tyrannie
L'étendard sanglant est levé
Entendez-vous dans nos campagnes
Mugir ces féroces soldats?
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras.
Egorger vos fils, vos compagnes !

Aux armes citoyens
Formez vos bataillons
Marchons, marchons
Qu'un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons

Que veut cette horde d'esclaves
De traîtres, de rois conjurés ?
Pour qui ces ignobles entraves
Ces fers dès longtemps préparés ?
Français, pour nous, ah! quel outrage
Quels transports il doit exciter ?
C'est nous qu'on ose méditer
De rendre à l'antique esclavage !

Quoi ces cohortes étrangères !
Feraient la loi dans nos foyers !
Quoi ! ces phalanges mercenaires
Terrasseraient nos fils guerriers !
Grand Dieu! par des mains enchaînées
Nos fronts sous le joug se ploieraient
De vils despotes deviendraient
Les maîtres des destinées.

Tremblez, tyrans et vous perfides
L'opprobre de tous les partis
Tremblez ! vos projets parricides
Vont enfin recevoir leurs prix !
Tout est soldat pour vous combattre
S'ils tombent, nos jeunes héros
La France en produit de nouveaux,
Contre vous tout prêts à se battre

Français, en guerriers magnanimes
Portez ou retenez vos coups !
Épargnez ces tristes victimes
A regret s'armant contre nous
Mais ces despotes sanguinaires
Mais ces complices de Bouillé
Tous ces tigres qui, sans pitié
Déchirent le sein de leur mère !

Nous entrerons dans la carrière
Quand nos aînés n'y seront plus
Nous y trouverons leur poussière
Et la trace de leurs vertus
Bien moins jaloux de leur survivre
Que de partager leur cercueil
Nous aurons le sublime orgueil
De les venger ou de les suivre !

Amour sacré de la Patrie
Conduis, soutiens nos bras vengeurs
Liberté, Liberté chérie
Combats avec tes défenseurs ! (bis)
Sous nos drapeaux, que la victoire
Accoure à tes mâles accents
Que tes ennemis expirants
Voient ton triomphe et notre gloire !

Beat ya to it Axe

------------------
Chris Shaw

The story of Carp Robin.

Who killed Carp Robin?
"I," said the sparrow,
"With my (little) bow and arrow,
I killed Carp Robin,"

Who saw him die?
"I," said the fly,
"With my little eye,
I saw him die."

Who caught his blood?
"I," said the catfish,
"With my little dish,
I caught his blood."

Who'll make his shroud?
"I," said the beetle,
"With my thread and needle.
I'll make his shroud."

Who'll carry the torch? (*1)
"I," said the linnet,
"I'll come in a minute,
I'll carry the torch."

Who'll be the clerk?
"I," said the lark,
"If it's not in the dark,
I'll be the clerk."

Who'll dig his grave?
"I," said the owl,
"With my spade and trowel
I'll dig his grave."

Who'll be the parson?
"I," said the rook,
"With my little book,
I'll be the parson."

Who'll be chief mourner?
"I," said the dove,
"I mourn for my love,
I'll be chief mourner."

Who'll sing a psalm?
"I," said the thrush,
"As I sit in a bush.
I'll sing a psalm."

Who'll carry the coffin?
"I," said the kite,
"If it's not in the night, (*2)
I'll carry the coffin."

Who'll bear the pall?
"We," said the wren,
"Both the cock and the hen,
We'll bear the pall."

Who'll toll the bell?
"I," said the bull,
"Because I can pull,
I'll toll the bell."

All the carp anglers around the world
Fell sighing and sobbing,
When they heard the bell toll
For poor Carp Robin.

When they heard the bell toll
For poor Carp Robin.

In the meantime a person of some dubious background picks up Carp Robin and legs it into the woods.

------------------
Chris Shaw

[This message has been edited by Chris Shaw (edited 13-01-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Chris Shaw (edited 13-01-2001).]

Is this an entry, Chris?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Paul Selman:
Is this an entry, Chris?

---

Yea, why not......

------------------
Chris Shaw

[This message has been edited by Chris Shaw (edited 13-01-2001).]

If this carp had a name like Mary I bet I could get quite a few pounds for her down at the fish market !

If this carp had a name like Mary I bet I could get quite a few pounds for her down at the fish market ! Oat

Carp to Man, "quick, this way, I will save you from the bivvy perverts that want to do unnatural sex acts with you."

Oat

Recipe for carp kiev:

1/2 cup of firm margarine, pareve (plain or butter flavored)
salt, freshly ground pepper
oil for deep frying
2 tbsp chopped chives
flour for dredging
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup bread crumbs

1. Place one large carp between thighs pound until finished.
Do not split the flesh. ( See picture ) Picture shows correct way to hold carp during this process.

2. Cut the margarine into bait-shaped pieces. Sprinkle with salt, pepper and chives and roll up, and seal mouth and vent.

3.Dip whole carp into the beaten eggs and roll in bread crumbs. Refrigerate one hour or more so the crumbs will adhere.

4. Fill a fryer or kettle with enough fat to completely cover the carp Heat
until hot (360 F). Turn carp gradually and brown on all sides. Drain on
absorbent paper and place a paper frill on the end before serving.

Comments: The deep-frying is meant to seal the meat "envelope" quickly so that
the kiev mix remains inside.

During hot weather, I cut up the margarine and place it in the freezer until I'm
ready to assemble everything. I usually do everything through step 3 during the night,
then fry immediately before serving.

Serving suggestion: on a bed of chic peas; when cut through, the kiev mix flows out
onto the chic peas.

Enjoy.

Paul, if you think it is to risky remove it.

------------------
Chris Shaw

[This message has been edited by Chris Shaw (edited 13-01-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Chris Shaw (edited 13-01-2001).]

Selon les regles europeennes des syndicats je puis nager ou je voux.

Roughly translated to
I thought that under European Union rules I could swim where I want.

Peb

Or...
Je jure que je mets mon passeport dans ma poche de veste. Maitenant si vous me mettez juste vers le bas.

Meaning
I swear I put my passport in my jacket pocket. Now if you just put me down.

Peb

Carp to man.

"Pull me lower and closer quickly twatty or the rate goes up to $70."

[This message has been edited by Moss Keto (edited 13-01-2001).]

I'm sorry Chuck I just cant get excited when the wifes taking piccies.

Carp and man to the fishingwarehouse viewers.

Be honest now whos got the biggest pecs????

Carp to man.

Next time you leave me out of the water for 3 hours bring the FACTOR 10 , my skins going all wrinkly.

Carp to viewers

Will you lot F--K OFF taking the **** out of me.

Moss, you're not my old mate Dave Sawyer are you?

Customs..... no sweat!

[This message has been edited by Paul Selman (edited 14-01-2001).]

No Paul hes a good mate though

Carp to man.

Next time you come on my lake shooting tufties make sure you get your goddam aim right TIT.

If I was SOS heres what I think his captions might sound like:-

The carp saying by lake in Southern England:-
And I thought par boiled potatoes were safe to eat!!
I cant believe you still use scopex.
The tackle was that crude I thought you had no chance.
I'ts true what me brother said about the accent.
Lend us your dog and bone,
I've gotta get an ambulance with this bloody hole in me back.
The carp up north say they get much better treatment than this,then again you are a cockney aint ya.

Carp says to southern angler:- You caught me? Are you sure your not a Northener?

Southern angler says to angling press:-
I know its small, the only reason I got a photy, is cos I liked the scale pattern.

Southern angler demonstrating his puney masculinity.

Southern angler says:- Next week I,m going up north I,m sick of catching 80,s - I need more of a challenge.

I wouldnt dream of saying anything like this cos I,m not predujice in any way shape or form, thats SOS for you though!

New American olympic game "toss the carp" sparks outrage in carp loving country UK.

Man to carp; I'll teach you to hide under the punt when I'm trying to take your picture.

This looks better than Oatmeal with his clothes off.

Who's idear was it to put Viagra in the bloody base mix.

Manwell tell that moaning git on table 2 his large fish and chips will be ready in 5 minutes I'm just battering the fish.

Angler's name - Beefy..

Angler - "here's another for 'Stolen Fish Mere'

Come on then, Nigel, you know the routine. Go get the landing mat and the syndicate backdrop, and Trevor here will help me swing this beast around to proper position. We should have the photo back in time for "This Week's Whackers."

man to carp
not now love your anal fin is in the way and that bloke over there with the camera is watching .

man to carp
not now love your anal fin is in the way and that bloke over there with the camera is watching .

Carp :- Hi mum

Carp :-

I always knew I'd be famous 1 day.
In fact I always knew I'd be DEAD famous 1 day.

Now thats got to be the best yet!

Geezer says :- Hi mum.

Carp :_

Mum said some bloke always said that everyone would get 3 minutes of fame.If this is what she mean't I'd rather have been born a gudgeon.

In ref above I know it was Andy Warhol,I think.!

Dickhead holding carp says:-

And my buddies back in the UK said carp fishing was hard , check this piccy out guys am I not THE MAN.

Above said in that horrendous over confident , annoying drawl all Americans seem to have.!

Who let the dogs out , WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO.

Its alright I'm just shouting at the wife.

Quiddy to Nigel whos looking at pic... "Darned those bloomin' Americans, they kicked our arses in the wars and now they catch bigger carp then us snooty pats!!""
Of course this is said in the typical snotty , down the nose , I think im god to carpin' tone brits are so famous for!!!

Guys, I've seen the thread on Carp Net, so I know where you are coming from!
Look, it is plainly obvious to anyone that this carp was not killed by an American carp fisherman. So how is it a slur on the CAG or American carpers? And it looks to have been killed a long time ago too.
So what's the problem?
If you want to debate the issue please start a new thread Oat, or whoever, and let us clear the air somewhat.
No pun intended to the previous poster (see profile!)
This is meant to be a humorous thread!

[This message has been edited by Paul Selman (edited 14-01-2001).]

#@$Duh,nahnahnahnahnahnahnah.....BLEEEEEWTMAN!!!!!@#$#

Carp to man:
"Here we come gathering nuts in May, nuts in May, nuts in May,
Here we come gathering nuts in May,
This cold and frosty morning."
Angler to carp: " **** me i've caught a singing carp, that's the last time i use peanuts,

------------------

Imagine a SPAR shop just out of view>

Man says :- Penny for the guy , Mister?

Man says :-

Put $10000 on that bivvy table now - or the fish has it.

News flash!

Carp eats mans fingers through his gills!

Man says:-

The doctor said their might be deformaties with the IVF treatment me and the missus were having.

Carp says :-

Last time I was on the bank president Kennedy was shagging Marilyn,obviously that time I was caught by one of those typically speaking snotty,down the nose "I know I'm god to carping" English gentlemen.

He had the decency to let me fight another day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carp says to man:-

So your what an average American looks like!

Carp shouting to his fishy friends:-

I'ts true his Y fronts are from Marks and Sparks!

Carp : Last request? Yes sir...you fellows just take heed...

If you look closely it is actually
"John Cleese & a fish called Wanda"!

Carp to man : does my anal fin look big in this ?

------------------
cheers Geez

Tom

Garden pond owner in Lincs says behind his camera:-

Youv'e been rumbled Fickling,I knew you were pinching my carp to use as livebait.

Carp to man:-

Now calm down dear fellow,to learn to tango you must first put your arms around my waist,then .......................

In the "carpweekly" paper.

Carp finds alien next to michigan.

Man; Hellfire its just peed down my leg

Man; 4 ounces short of the record, quick get some more pebbles.

Man to carp; Are you sure you haven't got any distinguishing marks?

P Selman thinking while looking through captions:-

Just hope the OVERSEAS members continue to post unoriginal and unamusing captions - if they happen to win , the post and packing will break me.

Carp to man
I survived darenth
I survived ringstead
I survived acton

I died at Sellafield

Carp to man
I survived darenth
I survived ringstead
I survived acton

I died at Sellafield

Judge (standing just out of picture) to man...."Come on...another 58 seconds and the worlds strongest man trophy is yours"

Man; Come on, that was my last pop-up now spit it out.

Man; i'll have to take it home and show the wife i've always lied about size before.

man to carp: HEY your in the swim i have been pre baiting for the last month now bugger off !!!!!!

------------------
cheers Geez

Tom

Angler:I wish to complain about this carp what I bought not half an hour ago from this very lake.

Frenchman: Oh yes, the, uh, the Cyprius Carpio...What's wrong with it?

A: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

F: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

A: Look, matey, I know a dead carp when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

F: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable fish, the Cyprius Carpio, isn'it, ay? Beautiful scale pattern!

A: The scale pattern don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

F: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

A: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting in his gill) 'Ello, Mister carp! I've got a lovely fresh chum mixer for you ...( Frenchman prods the fish)

F: There, he moved!

A: No, he didn't, that was you proding the fish!

F: I never!!

A: Yes, you did!

F: I never, never did anything...

A: (yelling and slapping the fish repeatedly) 'ELLO FISHY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes carp by the gills and thumps its head on the bedchair. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

A: Now that's what I call a dead fish.

F: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

A: STUNNED?!?

F: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Cyprius carpio's stun easily, matey.

A: Um...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That carp is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged fight.

F: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

A: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he turn belly up the moment I put him in the water?

F: The Cyprius carpio prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable fish, is'nit, squire? Lovely scale pattern!

A: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This carp is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!He's f*ckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-CARP!!

(pause)

F: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek over his shoulder)

F: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the bushes, and uh, we're right out of carp.

A: I see. I see, I get the picture.

F: (pause) I got a slug.

(pause)

A: Pray, does it swim?

F: Nnnnot really.

A: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

F: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... AN ONION SELLER!

Apologies to Monty Python

[This message has been edited by Peb (edited 17-01-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Peb (edited 17-01-2001).]

I'm an onion seller and I'm OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day,
I put on womens clothing,
and hang around in french delicatessens...

Dont get me going Peb

Axe.

Man and Carp
We wish that Moss Keto would stop having a go at us!!!

Escaped psychiatric patient tells the cops :-

Dont come any closer or Britney has it !

[This message has been edited by Moss Keto (edited 17-01-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Moss Keto (edited 17-01-2001).]

Cop radios base :-

I've just found the loony who kidnapped Eminem, strange thing is he seems to think he took Britney Spears.

"We best stay "in the closet" with this one mate.....the world would never understand."

Have a Great Day and Better Tomorrow

Man to carp:-

Youve gone too far this time , I TOLD YOU NEVER SERVE ME BRUSSEL SPROUTS AGAIN.

Whats the matter girls, cant figure out anything nasty to say while wigglin your willie at a poor dead carp this week? Hurry or Paul will get bored and close the competition and will have to look for another dead carp picture. You will have to try harder, the best minds on the list have given it their best shot so now is the time to swoop in and take all the prize money. Good Luck.

Oat

"Is that a carp in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"